22. Embrace Failure.

Following how Tuesday ended, Jay met up with me the following day after work.

As much as I tried to hold back, I could feel a tear or two forming at the edges of my eyes and despite trying to will them not to, they slid right down the cheeks and for Jay to see.

He apologized profusely and offered a hug every time he saw a tear. 

‘UGH. I am really sorry.’ ‘I had no idea Cam was so clueless.’ ‘Please don’t cry. Please.’ He offered tissues and his sleeve.

I laugh but also let out a frustrated sigh. “Why am I even tearing up? It was an evening that didn’t turn out well. Why am I so upset?!”

‘Well, you wanted it to. Didn’t you?’

“What does it matter now?”

‘It does. You expected and wanted a good time. He gave you the impression of that but fell short. It’s on him, not on you. He messed up and you are allowed to feel something about it.’

“……. this really sucks. Maybe this whole dating and relationship nonsense is just not for me. After the Mr Collins fall out, maybe this is just the way it has to be.”

‘Maybe.’

“..Thank you for the vote of confidence.”

‘So you failed. With Cam, with Mr Collins and whatshisface. It didn’t go according to plan, but you’re still—‘

“Here. Yes. Focus on the here and now. Be present. No mistakes, only opportunities.” I rolled my eyes and made air quotes with each of the Jay-isms. I could hear in my voice that it was way more caustic than it should have been.

‘…..ouch.’ He frowns.

I bury my head in my hands and let out a deep sigh.

Jay leans in and puts his head on my shoulder and pats me on the back.

It is quite a few moments of silence.

“…..I apologize. I’m such a bad big sister. I should be a better example.” I say with my head still in my hands.

Jay immediately sits right back up. ‘You FINALLY acknowledge it. YES.’ He laughs to himself.

I sit up straight and take a deep breath.

“Welp, I think there’s no point resisting or fighting against anything anymore right? If this is the way it has to be, then fine. I’ll take it, I’ll roll with it. So I failed, and hell, I’ll probably fail again. So, I’m gonna make sure I get so good at it.”

‘At failing?’ 

“Yes. I’ll do so with more grace every time. I don’t ever want to feel this whole ‘I am lousy just because it didn’t go well‘ again.”

‘I don’t wanna be cliched and say something off a Hallmark card. But you got this, you really do. You’ll kick ass, WE’LL kick ass.’ 

“Let’s go get crepes.”

‘Why?’

“I need to make a toast out of this.”

‘Newfound badassery?’

“That. And embracing failure.”

Jay leaps from his seat and runs ahead.

‘To embracing failure~~~!’

I laugh, harder than I had in days and run after him as we shout our new mantra/toast, scaring the living daylights out of people walking along the street.

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